Faith and Fear

Let's set the stage.

2 years ago, I put my loving parents on a plane in Phoenix, Arizona and drove away. Drove 3 hours up a friggin' mountain to a creaky, old house I managed to rent via Craigslist that I had just moved into. Alone, frightened, and kinda excited about what was about to happen. Hopeful that my husband of a few months would have the opportunity to join me with a great job. Terrified of what the next 2 years would hold for me.


Then, the hardest 6 months of my life occurred. I entered the world of graduate school in a state, town, and school where I had never met a soul. I cried nightly, missing the person I had just pledged to spend my life with and had endured a long-distance relationship with during my undergraduate career, missing my family whom I had grown very close to, missing my dear friends who were forever away, and missing the amazing professors I had known for 4 years. Missing a church family who could shelter me and distract me from the people I loved most, miles and miles away. Enduring professors I had never met, classes that seemed impossible, and grades that were worse than I had ever gotten in my entire life. I was shy, afraid to reach out to anyone and ask the simple question for help. Me, the goofy, outgoing person that wasn't afraid to ask anyone for anything, especially when it came to school. Who made friends easily, and was the person in the room who wasn't afraid to say hello to a stranger.

I didn't even know who I was anymore.

I laid in my bed, sobbing for something. Anything. Everything. Hope. Friendship. Love. Laughter. Courage. I realized that I was praying. Praying for deliverance of what and who I had become. Praying not to be alone anymore.

Then I realized I never had been alone. At my lowest point, I cried out to the only person who could hear. He had been there always, making sure I was surviving, making sure I had a roof over my head, gas in my car, the bus always making it to school, getting me through classes, making sure I put something on paper to turn in to my instructors at the end of the week. I was just too blinded by fear and shame to realize that Jesus Christ had never left. When I was crying out of loneliness, He chuckled and smiled down at me. He opened my eyes to reality; I was lost in my fear of what I was going through to see Him clearly.

I started praying in every moment. Praying to get through the classes I was neglecting, thinking I could do this on my own, when I never in my life done that before. Praying for my husband to answer the phone when I called, praying for my family to be thinking of me, praying that I would survive this semester.

Thankfully, God answered my prayers and my wonderful, dear father spent 3 weeks with me, after realizing that things weren't going spectacular in AZ for me. I thanked God daily that my dad was able to be here for me.

Thanksgiving came, and my dear, dear husband was able to visit and see Flagstaff. We went to McDonald's for thanksgiving, and I will never forget that meal we shared. He never lost faith that I would be able to succeed in this new endeavor, and his unwavering support is another credit to the amazing man I get to spend my life with!

I managed to get through the semester, and go home and spend 3 weeks at home. I treasured every moment, and relished the time I spent with the people I loved most. I had a change of heart. That turning point with Jesus made me realize I had to change, reach out, and find support at NAU.
He led me to some amazing people I am blessed to have known. He gave me all of the amazing classmates that didn't hesitate to help me when I asked a question, didn't understand a concept, and needed guidance on a homework problem. That I was too afraid that would judge me, ridicule me, laugh at my stupidity, if I approached them for help. He led me to a weekly bible study that helped me continue to foster my relationship with God. He helped me lead two classrooms of incredible students to know and enjoy mathematics as I did. (Well.... a few:) ) My grades improved drastically. I was participating in class, doing well on homework and exams. I became engrossed in learning more about teaching mathematics, and enjoying learning from my students, as well as helping them be successful.

I wasn't alone anymore.

And really, I had never been alone. I hadn't witnessed the greetings in the hallways. The questions from people in the office I shared about doing homework together. Asking me to go out to eat with them. Inviting me to movies, even just inviting me to have a conversation with them. My fear of rejection and judgement clouded my vision of the kind, helpful classmates and professors around me.

Psalm 121 7-8: The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.